I have been up since 3am and it's 5:15am now. Actually I have been up most of the night. I just cannot sleep with the amount of things on my mind right now. I have listened to the birds start chirping from about 4am and slowly watched the sun rise!
Yesterday at work I got an sms from the school teacher to say that Jason was not himself, wasn't playing, just doing nothing which she obviously thought was strange. Anyway Bruce went and fetched him and Bruce said that he actually got quite a fright. Jason definitely wasn't himself. Bruce thinks that he actually was dehydrated. Being at the new little "holiday school" they don't give him water via the tube for obvious reasons and obviously Jason doesn't drink yet. The temperature yesterday must have been around 30 degrees and so humid so obviously that could dehydrate him. After giving him water he perked up again and was fine.
When I got home he seemed fine, running around and fighting with dad with which cartoon to watch. But I heard his chest and a definite wheeze was there. Not so bad but a wheeze. Anyway we had swimming that afternoon, the weather was so hot and his chest didn't seem to bad to me (I have a stethoscope so did listen). We went to swimming which he had an absolute ball. Giggled his whole way through the lesson and did so well with Mandy doing all the right things. Really progressing and coming along nicely even if I say so myself!
The rest of the afternoon was pretty much our usual day of feeding and playing a little. After his bath again I heard that dreaded wheeze. So out came the nebulizer and I have started nebbing again. After a busy day Jason fell asleep pretty early and when I checked on him later that dam wheeze is definitely there. A whistle coming out his mouth and nose!
Now Jason has been on two doses of antibiotics the past 3 weeks. We have battled to get him past this and to a stage where we don't have to give him any medicine. That is just not happening. His last dose was on Tuesday night and the wheeze started yesterday (Wednesday). We just can't seem to win or beat this thing.
Honestly I am so tired of this. I am so tired of trying so hard non stop. So tired of watching my little man go through what he goes through on a daily basis with his gagging, his vomiting, his diarrhoea and all his illnesses he gets. No matter what we do we just don't seem to win this battle. We go for polygam in hospital every 3 weeks for his immune system and still he gets sick. I don't know where this wheeze came from but I have a feeling that from vomiting the way he has been he possibly aspirated fluids into his lungs. Look it's not "that bad" but seriously at the moment any set back for me is "bad". The wean is meant to start next week, everything is all set. The registration fee has been paid, Graz is ready, granny has been out and about and brought all sorts of foods for Jason and for us mentally we have been preparing for this for weeks now.
Last night I sat on Jason's bed just crying, listening to his feeding pump pumping milk into his little body. I lay my hands on his little chest feeling the wheeze vibrations and I just prayed!! I so want this all to go away. I so want God to heal my little man for good. I so want my little baby boy to start eating now and to be able to throw away all medical equipment and medication. Everything that is actually feeding, helping and protecting him! I just don't get why it's so much to ask? All I want after 4 and a half years is for my son to be healthy and to eat. Something that is meant to be the most natural thing in the world.
I know, I know, I know what's another week or two, we can always postpone the wean but seriously why can't something just go smoothly for a change? Why can't we just go away for the December holidays without the cooler bag of medicine, the nebulizer, the feeding pump, the pump stand and everything but the kitchen sink? I want to for once be able to go on holiday with my family and have a good time without any worries. I want my son to be able to go for a swim in the pool or the sea without having to tell him or others that "no he can't swim because he is snotty or chesty and may get sick". We have spent so many holidays - Christmas, New Years, Easter etc. in hospital or at home sick and nebbing or pumping medicine into my little baby's body and it's not fair!
This is what I mean when I say Jason can change from hour to hour. One minute he can be absolutely perfect and the next minute he is sick. Out of nowhere!!!
So ja this mommy is not happy at the moment. I know I will be fine, Jason will be fine, Bruce will be fine, we will get through this. Jason could wake up just now from sounding terrible to being absolutely fine again and all this worrying is for nothing. Who knows? But the point is I am so tired of this. The saying goes "God will not give you more than you can handle" well seriously I want to know "why does God trust us so much?".
Who knows what is going to happen? I am not sure if I am going to work just now or if we are headed to the paed later? Tomorrow we are meant to be leaving for our holiday and at the moment everything just seems to be "hanging in the air" for me. Yes I may sound so dramatic about all of this but seriously when you go through so much kak non stop you get to a point where you just want and long for something to go smoothly for a change. Something like Jason's second wean to go smoothly would be fantastic but why can't we have it easy for a change? I cannot go through what we went through in Graz last year again. That was one of the hardest things I have had to go through in my life! I am not expecting the wean to go smoothly or easy but seriously I didn't expect Jason to get sick to throw a curve ball in to add to the stress!
Why do I keep this blog and this website going? I guess it's therapy for me to "write down" my thoughts and feelings. Also I know there are so many people in this world that are going through similar problems with there children and if I help them in one tiny little way, that's good. It's nice to know that you are not the only one going through something as difficult as trying to get your child to eat!!
Yesterday in Clicks I was standing in the queue waiting to pay and obviously in all these shops they have rows and rows of sweets and chocolates displayed right where you wait to pay. This lady in front of me says to her (must have been 4 year old) son. "If you ask one more time for a sweetie I am going to give you a hiding". You know how much I long for my little boy to ask me for a sweetie???
Yesterday at work I got an sms from the school teacher to say that Jason was not himself, wasn't playing, just doing nothing which she obviously thought was strange. Anyway Bruce went and fetched him and Bruce said that he actually got quite a fright. Jason definitely wasn't himself. Bruce thinks that he actually was dehydrated. Being at the new little "holiday school" they don't give him water via the tube for obvious reasons and obviously Jason doesn't drink yet. The temperature yesterday must have been around 30 degrees and so humid so obviously that could dehydrate him. After giving him water he perked up again and was fine.
When I got home he seemed fine, running around and fighting with dad with which cartoon to watch. But I heard his chest and a definite wheeze was there. Not so bad but a wheeze. Anyway we had swimming that afternoon, the weather was so hot and his chest didn't seem to bad to me (I have a stethoscope so did listen). We went to swimming which he had an absolute ball. Giggled his whole way through the lesson and did so well with Mandy doing all the right things. Really progressing and coming along nicely even if I say so myself!
The rest of the afternoon was pretty much our usual day of feeding and playing a little. After his bath again I heard that dreaded wheeze. So out came the nebulizer and I have started nebbing again. After a busy day Jason fell asleep pretty early and when I checked on him later that dam wheeze is definitely there. A whistle coming out his mouth and nose!
Now Jason has been on two doses of antibiotics the past 3 weeks. We have battled to get him past this and to a stage where we don't have to give him any medicine. That is just not happening. His last dose was on Tuesday night and the wheeze started yesterday (Wednesday). We just can't seem to win or beat this thing.
Honestly I am so tired of this. I am so tired of trying so hard non stop. So tired of watching my little man go through what he goes through on a daily basis with his gagging, his vomiting, his diarrhoea and all his illnesses he gets. No matter what we do we just don't seem to win this battle. We go for polygam in hospital every 3 weeks for his immune system and still he gets sick. I don't know where this wheeze came from but I have a feeling that from vomiting the way he has been he possibly aspirated fluids into his lungs. Look it's not "that bad" but seriously at the moment any set back for me is "bad". The wean is meant to start next week, everything is all set. The registration fee has been paid, Graz is ready, granny has been out and about and brought all sorts of foods for Jason and for us mentally we have been preparing for this for weeks now.
Last night I sat on Jason's bed just crying, listening to his feeding pump pumping milk into his little body. I lay my hands on his little chest feeling the wheeze vibrations and I just prayed!! I so want this all to go away. I so want God to heal my little man for good. I so want my little baby boy to start eating now and to be able to throw away all medical equipment and medication. Everything that is actually feeding, helping and protecting him! I just don't get why it's so much to ask? All I want after 4 and a half years is for my son to be healthy and to eat. Something that is meant to be the most natural thing in the world.
I know, I know, I know what's another week or two, we can always postpone the wean but seriously why can't something just go smoothly for a change? Why can't we just go away for the December holidays without the cooler bag of medicine, the nebulizer, the feeding pump, the pump stand and everything but the kitchen sink? I want to for once be able to go on holiday with my family and have a good time without any worries. I want my son to be able to go for a swim in the pool or the sea without having to tell him or others that "no he can't swim because he is snotty or chesty and may get sick". We have spent so many holidays - Christmas, New Years, Easter etc. in hospital or at home sick and nebbing or pumping medicine into my little baby's body and it's not fair!
This is what I mean when I say Jason can change from hour to hour. One minute he can be absolutely perfect and the next minute he is sick. Out of nowhere!!!
So ja this mommy is not happy at the moment. I know I will be fine, Jason will be fine, Bruce will be fine, we will get through this. Jason could wake up just now from sounding terrible to being absolutely fine again and all this worrying is for nothing. Who knows? But the point is I am so tired of this. The saying goes "God will not give you more than you can handle" well seriously I want to know "why does God trust us so much?".
Who knows what is going to happen? I am not sure if I am going to work just now or if we are headed to the paed later? Tomorrow we are meant to be leaving for our holiday and at the moment everything just seems to be "hanging in the air" for me. Yes I may sound so dramatic about all of this but seriously when you go through so much kak non stop you get to a point where you just want and long for something to go smoothly for a change. Something like Jason's second wean to go smoothly would be fantastic but why can't we have it easy for a change? I cannot go through what we went through in Graz last year again. That was one of the hardest things I have had to go through in my life! I am not expecting the wean to go smoothly or easy but seriously I didn't expect Jason to get sick to throw a curve ball in to add to the stress!
Why do I keep this blog and this website going? I guess it's therapy for me to "write down" my thoughts and feelings. Also I know there are so many people in this world that are going through similar problems with there children and if I help them in one tiny little way, that's good. It's nice to know that you are not the only one going through something as difficult as trying to get your child to eat!!
Yesterday in Clicks I was standing in the queue waiting to pay and obviously in all these shops they have rows and rows of sweets and chocolates displayed right where you wait to pay. This lady in front of me says to her (must have been 4 year old) son. "If you ask one more time for a sweetie I am going to give you a hiding". You know how much I long for my little boy to ask me for a sweetie???