Today was our 21 week scan with the fetal specialist. In South Africa your anatomy scan is not done by your regular gynae, it is usually done by a complete outsider, a thorough check of everything - the blood flow in and out, the heart, liver, kidney, legs, arms - everything. Everything is measured in total detail to make sure that everything is 100% with baby. Now our specialist that saw us today was the same specialist that saw us at 21 and 29 weeks with Jason. Excellent doctor, absolutely brilliant.
Going into the scan Bruce and I had absolute no worries, no concerns and we totally were at peace and excited about seeing our little baby again. My pregnancy has been very smooth, no worries or concerns, I have been growing nicely and we have been very happy and excited and at peace with this one.
The scan went really well until we got to the part where the doc checked and measured the heart. The heart appeared to have a hole in the wall between the left and the right ventricles (called Ventricular Septal Defect or VSD). It's very hard to explain how this made us feel but I would say the word that best described my feelings were "shattered". The doc looked at the heart at all different angles. Some angles looked totally normal where the wall was perfect then at other angles it looked like the wall was incomplete. I saw it with my own eyes so the doc was NOT making this up!! Anyway the doc decided that he wanted to give it some time, wanted baby to move around a bit and he wanted to take a look again after his next patient.
So out the room we went left with our thoughts and total shock and horror. We couldn't believe what was happening. It totally felt like deja vu. We had been through this before with Jason and this felt like a total nightmare to us. For me being the one carrying the baby it's dam hard to imagine that the child you are carrying could have something wrong with it. This new little life you have created and is kicking and moving, has perfect features could have something wrong!! I felt devastated and could not think straight but had to hold it together and not panic until we had a definite answer.
Anyway after the next patient we were called in again. Baby was still lying upside down and not in the ideal position for us to see the walls of the heart still. Again doc was not happy with the position of the baby and said that I needed to go and drink something sweet, eat something and walk the corridor in hope that baby would turn. The next attempt still not a great position and we had to wait and go back for the 4th time.
I tell you I had already had a chocolate, a buddy bottle coke, a packet of chips and a cranberry liqui fruit. I had walked the corridor, bounced around, patted my tummy - gone to the toilet about 20 times and prayed and prayed and prayed. Outside it was pouring with rain, the wind was howling, my little man had been with granny since 1pm and it was now 5pm - he had missed his afternoon feed and we basically had to drop him off and rush to the doc because we were running late. Boy I watched that rain belting down and I just PRAYED. Walked that corridor and prayed!! I said to God "Lord you say that you will not give us too much that we cannot handle", "well God I cannot handle another difficult pregnancy and a difficult child - I need you to hear my prayer and give Bruce and I a healthy little baby, give us a break".
Eventually it was our turn to go back in again (the 4th time) and it was good news!! Baby was in the right position, we could this time clearly see the walls of the heart joined perfectly with no gaps. The doc looked at it thoroughly from all angles and he could not see the same defect that we saw on the first scan attempt. He went over and over it, took picture after picture and it was perfect!! He told us that if he kept going back and there was the same picture, he would be concerned but he could not see the same defect at all, every time he went back he could see two perfect formed heart walls.
I cannot explain what happened, we did see that gap, it was there. The doc said that it could have been a bad position that baby was lying in but he is confident that everything is one hundred percent and if he is happy we must be happy. What a relief!! It is tough going from a very worrying prognosis to don't worry about a thing but the evidence is there, Bruce and I saw it with our own eyes, it looks fine!! Honestly to me, all I can say is my prayers were answered!!!
So yes today brought back SO many memories. They all came flooding back. Jason's diagnosis was totally different from this baby. Jason had low amniotic fluid from about 20 weeks and was growth restricted. He was not developing, growing and gaining weight as he should because the amniotic fluid was not enough for him. So in this case this scan was very different but the feelings were all the same! So after all, after a long day from being at the doctors rooms from 1:30pm to 6:30pm everything is 100%. The doc did say that if we wish he will do another scan in 7/8 weeks free of charge to give us peace of mind. We are going to take him up on that offer for sure!!
You know what you tend to bottle your feelings and memories up. You don't forget the past, you never will but you cannot dwell on something that happened and could not be changed. The problem with Jason was there, it happened and we have had to deal with it. Having a second pregnancy with problems would be devastating for us for good reason BUT I have faith that this baby is going to be fine. God is watching over her! Yes it is definitely a little lady and I am sure this little lady is going to be fine and her big brother is going to love her to bits!!
It was a very rough day. Bruce and I have been through so much and we ask ourselves why couldn't we just have an easy, happy scan like every other couple out there. Why do we have to go through so much trials and tribulations? I guess it's these tests that make us stronger? I know that through everything I have been through with my pregnancy and with Jason with his reflux, illnesses and feeding difficulties, these trials have made me the person that I am today and I am very proud of the person that I have become!! All of us have to go through difficult times whether it is with a child, a parent, a husband, a difficult childhood, health issues of a family member or yourself or a difficult marriage - we all get through these things and at the end of the day we all grow and learn from our experiences. Who said life was going to be easy hey?? But just remember that no matter what you went through or are going through, with God all things are possible and he is watching over you always and will NEVER leave your side!! Don't look back in anger, look back, learn from your past and move on!